


Why is Caduceus a Two Foot Tall Pom-Pom

by functiondys



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Humour, Kid Fic, M/M, but also angst because i have problems, character turned into a toddler trope hell yeah
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-01-24 15:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18574504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/functiondys/pseuds/functiondys
Summary: "No, no. Caddy, spit it out. Give - look, look I'll trade you for the dagger! Look how shiny?""Oh, we are going to kill this child," sighed Caleb.





	1. Chapter 1

Caduceus was many things.

A provider, a carer, a friend. A man who had so swiftly become a source of comfort and wisdom to their group.

“Caddy, give – give to Fjord.”

Which was quite possibly why the last two days had been quite so stressful. That could happen when your most steady companion morphed into a two-foot tall fur-ball with grabby hands and a tendency to put unidentified objects in his mouth.

“Give to Fjord now. No, no. Spit. C'mon now spit it -”

“Nyuah,” came the defiant shriek. 

Normally watching Fjord being defeated by a pink and white pom-pom would have been the height of entertainment. Watching toddler Caduceus shove as much of the unidentified blue flower into his mouth as possible was not. 

“No, no. Caddy spit it out,” Fjord moved his hands frantically but hesitantly.

Caleb watched, torn between horror and amusement.

“I don't think I had ever truly appreciated how quickly he could move,” Caleb said, still mildly stunned by the entire situation.

“Maybe it's okay? I mean maybe he knows what he should eat and what he shouldn't? Like maybe he knows stuff that's poisonous and things?” Jester asked. “I mean he is a Firbolg.”

“Ah,” said Caleb, scratching lightly at his forearms through the fabric of his tunic. “I'm not certain that is uh... innate knowledge, Jester. I think that is probably something that is learned.”

“Yeah I know but he seems, like, really, really sure that he wants to eat that.”

“Yeah,” said Nott dubiously. “That's just a toddler thing. I mean Luke tried to kill himself multiple times a day when he was a toddler. Anything they can fit in there – just anything - and some things they can't.”

“Really? Like even poisonous stuff?”

“It could be really, really poisonous. Sometimes it feels like the more poisonous it is, the quicker they are to do it.”

“Oh this is fine,” Caleb sang to himself under his breath. “This is all, all fine.”

“Look,” said Fjord. “I'll trade you for the dagger.”

“Moron,” said Beau and shoved him out the way. “Hey, hey Cad can you do this?”

Beau stuck her tongue out.

“You like the dagger Caddy, you spent all day yesterday trying to get your grubby mitts on it.”

The tiny Firbolg giggled at Beau.

“We are going to kill that child,” said Caleb.

“Can you do that,” she smiled and stuck her tongue out again.

Cad giggled and returned the gesture. A small glob of smushed blue flower and toddler spit dropped onto his top.

“We're not going to kill him,” said Jester. “Besides, I've had revivify prepped for like three days now.”

“Good boy,” cheered Beau. “Can you do this one?”

Fjord seemed caught between the urge not to teach the kid bad manners and the more desperate need to not poison him.

“Probably a good idea,” said Nott.

This time she stuck her tongue out open mouthed. Caduceus let out a peal of laughter and matched the gesture another glob dropping out of his mouth. Fjord dove in and with one finger tip tried to brush away the last little bit out of his mouth before the toddler yowled in displeasure and flapped his arms. 

“No,” he objected, lower lip wobbling dangerously.

“No, no, no,” Fjord said hurriedly. “Don't cry now, don't -”

Tears formed on his eyes.

“Oh no,” breathed Beau. “Hey, hey Caddy, look.”

She smiled then stuck her tongue out again. The toddler's face screwed up.

Caleb snatched a brightly coloured carrot from the food sack and dangled it on front of Cad's face. The carrot itself was relatively small but the leaves were big and bushy. The whole thing together was the height of the seated toddler.

“Look what I have huh,” Caleb shook it to make the folliage attached to it dance back and forth.

“Ahhh ahh.”

“Yeah, look at that.” Caleb smiled.

Cad made grabby hands as Nott tugged away the flowers from the distracted toddler.

“Yeah, look at this, ja? What is this? Is that a carrot?” Caleb handed the produce over to the wide eyed little companion.

“Ooh.”

Cad mirrored Caleb's gesture and shook the plant, a little snort of laughter escaping when it danced around. He looked up at Caleb for approval.

“Ja, carrots are good aren't they?”

Cad yelped happily and mouthed in the air trying to direct the waving greenery into his mouth, eventually succeeding in getting a small amount in at a very odd angle.

“Well,” said Fjord. “I don't think that's the bit you're meant to eat but, well. Guess it's better than whatever in hell you were eatin' before.”

“You know, I think maybe we are even less cut out for this than I originally believed,” sighed Caleb.

“Hey, we stopped him poisoning himself,” objected Beau. “Probably.”

“It has just taken five members of the Mighty Nein to get a flower from a toddler.”

Beau opened her mouth then closed it again.

“Where did he even get it from?” Nott asked. “He's far too tiny to reach things.”

Jester frowned.

“Well, how was I to know he was going to try and put it in his mouth?” 

“He's a toddler,” stressed Nott. “Everything is going to go in his mouth.”

“Well that's stupid.”

“Jester,” said Fjord evenly. “He still poops himself. Smart ain't his speciality right now if you catch my drift.”

“He is smart,” objected Jester. “He's just little and doesn't understand that he shouldn't poop himself yet. And I thought he just wanted the flowers cause they were pretty cause we just gave him food like an hour ago.”

“That is true,” said Beau.

“47 minutes,” Caleb corrected quietly.

“You are the most irritating -”

“He probably did Jester,” Fjord said a little too loudly, “but like Nott says that ain't gonna stop him seeing what it tastes like.”

“I suppose that makes sense. If something looks pretty then maybe it's something that will taste nice,” she shrugged. “You know, as much as he is the cutest thing that every cuted in the whole wide world? I kind of want Caduceus back. The one that can cook and heal things and knows not to poop himself or try and eat really pretty plants that might or might not be poisonous.”

“Yeah, I think we're all startin' to feel that way.”

Caduceus, somehow aware that he was once again the centre of attention looked up around him and smiled around his mouth full of greenery.

“Oh my god,” squealed Jester at a pitch that made Fjord flinch. “He is so cute, you are so cute, yes you are, yes you are!”

“Yeah you say that now, just wait till he needs changing again.” 

“He doesn't like me doing that, he likes Caleb doing it.”

Caleb glowered at her from the corner of his eye.

“What? It's true. Besides,” she said. “He's a boy.”

“I don't think it really matters at that age Jester,” said Fjord.

“I just think he should be changed by the person he's most comfortable changing him, which is not any of the girls.”

“Seconded,” chipped in Beau, too quickly.

Caleb turned his unimpressed look to her.

“It's true you know,” Jester said to Caleb. “I think you're his favorite. He always goes to you when he's crying or he's fussing cause he's tired and moody. I mean he likes playing with Nott and I, and I am totally his bestest buddy for playing with by the way, but when he wants comfort he always goes to you. He feels safe with you.”

Caleb regarded her evenly. “You're just trying to get me to do more poop cleaning.”

“No,” said Jester. “I mean yes. Obviously that too, but that doesn't mean that all of the rest of what I was saying wasn't totally true you know.”

Caleb said nothing.

“Hey Fjord can you take him for a little bit please? I need to stretch my legs and looking after little kids is really tiring you guys.”

“Sure thing, Jes. Hey Caddy, wanna come sit with Uncle Fjord for a bit?”

Caduceus looked to him but made no response.

“Course you do, c'mere buddy. H'up.”

Caduceus shrieked in glee as he was lifted into the air, all other pursuits happily abandoned. He let himself be settled into the saddle on front of Fjord and reached down to start patting the horse with clumsy little toddler hands.

“Yeah, let's give Jester a little break huh? You like horses? This is a nice horse this one. Nott mighta named her Outhouse but she's a real nice girl.”

Fjord continued talking away in a relaxed voice to Caduceus as he the horse walk very slowly at the side of the cart, one arm securing the little guy against him.

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“Here, you can have my horse for a while. I want to do something.”

Jester easily switched places but asked, “Do what?”

“I wonder something.”

“Wonder what Caleb? Caleb tell me. Caaayleb.”

Caleb pulled out a book from his jacket and jumped up to sit in the cart, legs crossed, muttering to himself.

“Caleb, tell me. What you doing? What are you doing Caleb?”

“He's doing a spell,” said Nott. “He's not gonna listen to you right now, you know that.”

Ten minutes later he closed the book and put it away. He watched Fjord and Cad babble at each other and after a few minutes of mumbled toddler speak, grinned.

“What? Oh my god, did you do Comprehend Languages? Does it let you speak baby? Oh my god, it lets you speak baby. That's amazing Caleb, you're like the baby whisperer.”

“Ah no, uh baby is not a language Jester. He is talking like a toddler but the language he is attempting to speak is Giant. I should have thought of it earlier, his first language is not common, it is Giant.”

Things get a little easier with little Caduceus from that point on but only a little. It's maybe from his better received attempts at communicating with the toddler or not but it is Caleb that is the first to get an attempt at his name over the next few days.

He's too distracted at first trying to figure out what Kaib might be in Giant so it's Nott that notices. Unfortunately with her encouragement that quickly becomes CayCay which seems to be easier for Cad and with the amount of positive reinforcement he gets from the others for it Caleb resigns himself to his new designation. He feels mildly better about the whole thing when the others start to get their names. 

Especially when it becomes evident that Fjord's designation is 'no'. The flower incident seems to have made an impression and his eagerness to protect the boy from the myriad dangers that are now somehow present in everyday objects are perfectly reasonable, but not well received by the curious little furball.

Fjord is not pleased. 

Jester finds it hilarious. Caleb is just happy that she was sitting in the cart with Cad and not on a horse during that particular revelation because she'd probably have fallen off it arse over teakettle. Cad starts giggling along, nearly as entertained as Jester though with no idea as to what was going on. Probably he was just responding to the laughter and the smiles of those around them, Caleb thought, but it was still a beautiful sight.

Jester is 'play'. 

It makes sense, she's the first to babysit each day and entertain him but does not want anything to do with toddler bodily functions. 

Yasha is 'up'. 

It takes them a little while to notice she's been given this as a name as it's usually a demand but the second time she's offered something he's found fascinating with the demand of up, but no interest in being lifted they figure it out. She accepts that with the silent tolerance that she accepts most of the party's antics and obeys every imperious demand to be hoisted up high.

Nott is a source of fascination. She tries to hide and stay away, fearful of harming or scaring the defenceless little ball of fur that is now their responsibility. Said ball of fur does not share the same concern, as a matter of fact he seems to think it's some kind of game of hide and go seek and is positively delighted. 

Caleb thinks it's a wonderful thing for Nott to be a source of unbridled joy for a being entirely without prejudice. It's likely done more for her confidence than the rest of them have ever been able to do.

Nott, it turns out, is a fairly easy name for the baby Firbolg to say and so she is the first to have her name properly spoken.

Beau is a little more distant but only really in comparison to Jester. When Cad comes out with 'bo' for the first time it's as a jaunty little song to which 'bo' is the entirety of the loud, cheerful lyrics. It is unbearably cute and so, so funny. For the first four verses. 

After which Jester tries teaching him a variation with her own name and Caleb trots his horse up ahead to try and get a bit of distance from it. Mercenary work was challenging and tiring, but looking after a toddler was terrifying and exhausting. Caleb wondered if the others felt as lost as he did. 

A childlike burst of laughter followed from behind, tired as he was, he couldn't help but smile at it. He tried not to tear up with longing for their Caduceus and not to be overwhelmed with the sense of failure and inadequacy that he had been unable to prevent this. And worse, that he was still unable to fix it. 

Jester was right though, as painful as it was. Ever since that first awful night filled with screaming and panic Caduceus in his tiny form had taken to Caleb. Little Caduceus had screamed and screamed, no one had been able to soothe him. 

Then the toddler had come to sat in Caleb's lap which was strange given that he had done nothing to seek the attention of the little creature and he didn't even have Frumpkin with him. The fey cat had made his displeasure with their new kit's yowling very clear and Caleb had bamfed him back to his home plain in empathy. Though not without envy. 

Upset that he could not grant himself the same reprieve he gave himself the next best thing and focused on his spellbook in an attempt to block out the deeply unpleasant stimulus. 

At some point however the screaming ball of fur stopped screaming and crawled into Caleb's lap instead, whimpering and exhausted and fell asleep instantly.

It felt like a betrayal every time their friend took comfort in his presence. If the little one knew how badly Caleb had failed him... but he did not and he was too young to understand. If anything it only made it hurt all the more. 

One more family he was bound to fail. One more person he loved bound to discover worthless he truly was. 

Behind him Caduceus let out another burst of bright, innocent laughter.

And Caleb tried not to cry.


	2. Chapter 2

It was pissing down rain.

Caleb sat himself down in the least soaking patch of grass, coat over his head to protect his book as he cast the ritual for the bubble. The canopy on the carriage had collapsed under the weight of wind and rain and none of his companions were dry.

Everyone was tetchy, grumpy or just down right miserable. None more so than the fey cat and the firbolg that glowered out at Caleb from under the fallen canvas, as if the entire scenario was his fault. At least they glared silently, Cad had been as fond of the storm as Frumpkin and every bit as keen on communicating it.

Caleb completed the spell and sighed in relief as the wind cut off immediately. He tended to his book as the others traipsed in and settled themselves, not aware of anything in particular until he heard:

“Oh no,” said Fjord.

Caleb's head shot up.

“Jester, what - ”

Jester burst out laughing. 

“How in the -”

A dripping wet Fjord held a towel in his hand, clearly having made an attempt to towel dry Cad first.

Only as it turned out juvenile Firbolgs – or at least toddler Caduceus – were covered in longer, denser, softer fur than adults. After a vigorous towelling off, Caduceus looked like a humanoid pom pom. Every strand of his soft baby fur was pulled on end by the static, fluffed out every which way. 

“Oh my god he is so fluffy,” cried Jester as she pounced down and scooped the little fluff ball into the air. “You are so beautiful and fluffy, yes you are, yes you are.”

Cad was not having a good time of it and scowled, squirming unhappily and kicking his feet.

“He is kind of beautiful,” said Yasha softly. “He looks like a little Firebolg dandelion.”

“That's gonna like, fix it self, right?” Fjord said with a concerned frown.

“Why would you ever want to change it Fjord?” Jester said. “He is perfect.”

Fjord looked at Caduceus in dismay, Jester hugged Cad close. Cad thunked his head into Jester's chin. 

Jester yelped in shock and dropped the toddler. Cad hit the ground before anyone could do anything, he thumped down on the soft muck, startled and after a moment of total silence from all of them began to wail.

“No! Ohhh 'duces I'm so sorry,” Jester cried through hands that were still clasped to the place he'd injured.

Fjord leaned down to take him in hand.

“No,” yelled Cad, he stopped screaming just long enough to yell and knock Fjord's hands away before starting to cry again.

“Caleb,” called Fjord. “Can you come over here?”

Caleb was at his side before the man finished his sentence. He knelt down next to Caduceus.

“Hallo Caduceus,” he said calmly. “You are having a bit of a day, ja?”

“Nein,” Cad looked at him and shouted then just sat in the mud sniffling. Caleb reached out to brush a tear from Cad's cheek. Cad bit his finger.

“Ah,” Caleb yelped and snatched his hand back. “Schiesse.”

Cad took one look at the blood starting to seep over Caleb's hand and the hurt expression on his face and started to bawl again.

“Okay, that's enough, come on,” said Nott, wrapping a blanket around him.

Cad made a shriek of objection.

“That's enough now,” she said calmly and sat down to hold him from behind swaying softly.

They dispersed awkwardly as best they could. More than willing to let Nott take care of a situation that had left them all somewhat baffled. Caleb sucked the small wound then pinched it with his fingers.

“I've gathered the stored wood together for a fire, it's damp but not soaked.” Yasha's large hand curled over Caleb's shoulder and onto his chest. He looked up at her. “A wizard's talents wouldn't go amiss getting it started tonight.”

“Ja, ja of course,” he glanced back at Nott and Caduceus then stood from his crouch. “I think that might be a good idea.”

“A damn good one,” said Fjord, voice muffled in his clothes as he tried to peel himself out of them.

“Is there anything you can do about the ground?” Yasha asked. “The mud doesn't bother me but...”

Caleb shook his head.

“I got something for that,” said Fjord and with one hand gestured as if scooping up the water which pulled itself out of the ground around them then flung itself out into the night. “There. Ain't perfect but better than nothing.”

“That is much better Fjord, thank you,” said Yasha quietly.

“Most definitely,” said Caleb as he tossed a fire bolt at the logs.

“Caleb my man, right now that is the worlds best spell.”

“Oh fuck yeah,” said Beau barrelling past the three of them to plonk herself down as close as she could get. “Ow, ow, burny. No.”

Beau flapped the blanket she'd wrapped herself in to put out the small flame on it's corner.

Caleb rolled his eyes.

“You should be more careful Beau,” said Yasha steadily.

“Yeah, yeah. Y'know you should take your wet clothes off,” Beau gestured to her own discarded rainments now abandoned near the fire. “Get dry.”

“Most of my outer garments are water resistent,” she said.

“Right, right.”

Jester sat down next to them, her face a picture of misery.

“Y'alright Jessie?” 

“Today is rubbish,” Jester huffed and lowered herself to the ground, head resting on her bag as she stared blankly into the fire.

Caleb sighed internally. This would have been the moment that Caduceus told them everyone would be better with some tea and food in them. And probably he'd be right. Caleb closed his eyes and lowered his head, recriminations chasing themselves around his mind because Caduceus was not there to fix them because Caleb could not fix him. He was small and cold and miserable and it was Caleb's fault more than anyone.

There was a small tapping on his arm. He ignored it.

The tapping came again followed by a little sniff that caught his attention.

“Cay-cay,” said a little voice just as Caleb lifted his head to look.

“Hallo Cad,” he offered a half smile but made no move to unscrunch himself. Cad's face fell a little further. Frumping hissed and butted Caleb's elbow with his head.

“Ow, what?” He pulled his arm away from his knees and gestured at the cat. “What is it with everyone today, hm?”

Frumpkin gave him a look that spoke volumes in a language Caleb didn't speak. Caleb opened his mouth to continue but got distracted as something that definitely weighed more than a dandelion tried to clamber up into the space between Caleb's legs and chest, kneeing him in the side as he went.

“Mmreowl,” said Frumpkin and leapt onto Caleb's legs as Cad settled himself in Caleb's lap.

“Oh, this is happening now is it?” Caleb muttered to himself still somewhat startled about finding himself with a lap full of toddler and a cat straddling his legs. “Of course it is, you know what never mind hm? It has been a rough day for all of us hm? Hasn't it Caduceus.”

“Nein,” Cad sulked into Caleb's chest.

Caleb sighed. “Nein indeed. A big hairy ball sack full of nein.”

There was a snort of humour from one of his companions but he couldn't tell which.

“Scheisse nein.”

“And of course that's the word you remember,” he sighed, bringing one hand up to rub the circles on the toddler's back.

Caleb looked up to find Nott watching him with a soft expression in her eyes, one he couldn't read. She looked away when he did and scampered along to curl up at Jester's side and talked to her in a low voice that he couldn't hear over the crackling over the fire. 

“You know, I think maybe we should have you spend some time with Jester tomorrow hm? Fjord was soaking wet and shirtless and she didn't even look at him, hm?” He brushed a finger over the fur on Cad's cheek and was rewarded with a soft nuzzle and a sleepy response of:

“Nein.”

“Nein, exactly,” he continued to murmur. “I mean even I took a quick look and that was a catnip for Jesters.”

“Mmf.”

“Ja I know what you mean, it will be okay. Nott will take good care of her, like she does for the both of us and in the morning it will all be a little better. Fjord will make some food and Jester will tell bad jokes, Yasha will build another fire and Beau will flirt disastrously. And I will study. I will study so, so hard little one I promise you. I will do anything in my power to get you back to us my friend. Everything.”

He could hear the rapid beating of Cad's heart and the sniffles that were spacing themselves out slowly. One little fist clenched in Caleb's shirt the other had tugged his coat around himself to form a little cocoon. Frumpkin made biscuits on his thigh then stretched lazily and closed his eyes. Caleb looked from the fey cat to the firbolg and sighed.

“Well... I guess I am staying here now, huh?”

Caleb sighed, lowering his torso to the ground as best he could without disturbing either of them. Neither of them replied, neither of them needed to.


	3. Chapter 3

Fjord woke to tree branches prodding him in the face. He grumbled and waved it away. The branch yelped indignantly and poked him back harder. 

Something about that gave him pause.

He opened one eye, slowly.

Cad cheered, throwing both arms into the air.

“Oh god,” he sighed.

Cad babbled excitedly.

“Mhm, yup.”

The babbling continued.

“Uh huh. That sounds about right. C'mere,” he reached out and tugged Cad down into the bed roll with him. “Just – just a little longer nap time. Lil' longer.”

Cad giggled, happily snuggling into Fjord and rubbing his face along the half-orc's jaw line before starting to squirm. Fjord tried to keep a hold of him without hurting him.

“Shh, shh. You want a song? You want a lullaby? Lullaby” he began to sing sleepily. “And good night. Go to sleep so I don't kill you. It's got to be like five am -”

Cad seemed strangely unsoothed and instead focused on scrambling up onto Fjord's chest, patting at his face again with one chubby toddler hand.

“No, no, no, no.” Cad bounced up and down on Fjord's chest. “Sun, sun.”

“Uh huh huh,” Fjord faux sobbed to the world. “Five more minutes, five more.”

“No-oo,” he drew out the word. Then demanded, “Sun.”

“The sun is evil. You are evil. Evil little toddler creature.”

Cad pulled one of his eyes open.

“Arg, okay. Okay. Evil little hamster, I'm up.” He stood and took Cad with him. Cad bounced in excitement.

“Okay, just... I'll be right back okay. No, no. You stay here okay. I need to go do my business alright, you stay here.” 

Cad tilted his head.

Fjord took a step back and gestured, “Stay. You stay now. Good boy. Stay.”

With that Fjord disappeared back through the barrier, walking backwards keeping the toddler in view until the last moment. 

Cad watched him go.

“No?” He blinked a few times and watched the bubble wall, when Fjord didn't reappear he called again. “No? No-no?”

With a curious frown he followed Fjord's footsteps through the barrier.

Moments later Fjord walked back through, Cad held out on front, still facing towards him. Cad was giggling, Fjord was not.

“Okay, yeah. Funny. But you stay here now this time okay.”

Fjord put him down again. He gestured with both hands.

“Stay. Sit, stay. Okay?”

Cad said a few garbled words.

“Mhm absolutely, now stay.” Fjord walked backwards repeating, “Stay. Stay.”

This time Cad waited for a few moments, puzzled. Then huffed and strode towards the bubble's edge.

They reappeared again moments later.

“No, no. Fjord needs to go – uh, Uncle No needs to go... hey Caleb?

“Busy.”

“Yeah. What was that word we were using for y'know doing our business?”

“Not now.”

“I need to go water the flowers.”

“It's been raining, why – gah!” Caleb threw his hands up in the air. “The spell is lost. My components are wasted. What Fjord, what do you want?”

Fjord swallowed. Cad looked at him with wide eyes.

“Y'know what, it's fine. I'll just take him.”

Caleb made a noise of frustration and mumbled to himself as he reset components for the ritual. 

Caleb managed to get halfway through the ritual before Fjord returned, he looked flushed and a little flustered. Cad was on his hip, unabashedly carrying on his own happily little monologue.

“Yup, totally not awkward at all,” agreed Fjord. “Don't know why I thought it would be.”

Cad then started kicking his legs and squirming.

“Allhammer, alright, alright,” Fjord cursed and set him down. “Where do you get this energy from?”

Cad made a beeline for the carry sack with the camping supplies and started tugging out a iron pan that was nearly the size of him.

“Nyah, hmf, urgh.”

Tiny little feet dug into the dirt as he gripped it with both hands and tried to heave it out.

“Okay, okay, okay.”

Fjord reached down to pick it up with one hand, but Cad kept a hold of it.

“You – you want breakfast kiddo you gotta give me that.”

“Gah!”

“Oh, right. You helping huh? That's awesome little buddy,” Fjord patted Cad's head. “Y'gonna have to let go now okay, so I can set it up. Please.”

“Gah.”

“Yeah,” he smiled, a little strained. “Good, now drop?”

Cad was still helping.

“Why don't you go get the food? Food?”

“Dayah, fooh!”

“Yeah, you know that word,” said Fjord and used the loosening of Cad's grip to start assembling things. Thankfully it didn't result in a hissy fit, Cad had put two and two together and figured that was gonna get him breakfast sooner and chilled accordingly. 

At least that's what Fjord thought before he heard more metal clanging. He pinched his nose and turned with no small amount of trepidation. He found Cad with his butt sticking out the supply sack, his little tuft of a tail wriggling. Neither Cad's upper half nor whatever it was he was after was in sight but Fjord felt he could take a good guess at it being the cast iron kettle he was trying to heave out.  
“Does – does anyone else wanna get the hell up and stop Cad helping, please. Before he squishes himself under a teapot or something stupid.”

The resulting mumbles and groans were strangely not signs of enthusiastic agreement.

“Jester, come on?”

“S'fine,” came the groan. “V'r'vivify.”

“And we all appreciate that but you really wanna see all the little fluffy toddler baby tears that'll happen before that?”

There was a loud metal clanging as Cad succeeded in dislodging something.

“There'll be lip wobbling Jester.”

“Nooo.”

“And those big, sad, watery eyes that just don't understand why there's pain.”

“Oof,” exclaimed Cad. Followed by a distinct thump. Fjord stayed where he was and made eye contact with Jester as the series of clattering noises continued.

“Ugh, alright. I am up, I am up. Caduceus what are you doing?” Jester looked over. Cad's entire butt was now wriggling. “Oh, how can anyone stay mad at you, you are adorable. Come here you silly little fluff fairy.”

Cad grumbled as she pulled him out of the bag.

“Good morning Caduceus,” she grinned. “How is the most adorable little adventurer today?”

Before he could venture a reply Jester had kissed him on the forehead and tossed him into the air to his shrieks of joy. It kept him busy long enough for Fjord to get some food on and the rest of the party to start making movements. 

As soon as his feet were back on the ground he dashed over to tug at Caleb's clothes.

“Fooh, Cay-cay. No, fooh.”

Cad gestured behind him, pointing across the small distance to where Fjord and the fire were. As if by some minor miracle Caleb had failed to notice the scent, the sight, the activity or indeed the noise.

“Fjord is making breakfast?” Caleb asked. “Oh thank you, that is good to know. Shall we?”

Caleb held out his hand for him. Cad took it eagerly and began to tug him the few feet distance to where the fire was set up. Caleb took a seat on a patch by the fire. Cad reached out towards the fire and Caleb scooped him away into his lap. 

Cad seemed happy enough with the new arrangement and settled himself in Caleb's lap. Caleb kept a hand around his little torso to stop him escaping again which Cad seemed happy enough about and talked away. 

Caleb carried on a little nonsense conversation with Cad while they waited.

“You are quite a happy little thing aren't you?”

“Right, so he sits calm as summer sea for you. It's just me that gets the rabid hamster from the depths of hell routine.”

“There is nothing rabid in Caduceus, he is a sweetheart.”

“I got poked at, screeched at, jumped on and had my eyelids prised off my face all before breakfast.” Fjord gestured with the wooden serving spoon. “You he sits like an angel for.”

Caleb looked down at Cad, who looked back up at him with big, soft, happy eyes.

“Fjord is such a drama queen some times is he not? Imagine thinking you are a troublesome one, hm.” Caleb tickled at him with his free hand.

Cad squealed in childlike glee and Caleb grinned. He grinned even more when he felt Fjord glaring daggers at the back of his neck and joined in the laughter.


	4. Chapter 4

It wasn't a bad morning. 

Caleb had thrown up the dome again so they had some cover from the steady but lethargic rain and the smell of breakfast cooking filled it quickly.

Fjord tossed in a bunch of wild mushrooms, chestnuts and chives then upended some leftovers in after them. He didn't quite remember what all was in that, it had kinda all gone to mush anyway but it'd eat well enough. They sure as shit couldn't afford to let it go to waste when their back up plan for food supplies was still knee high.

As the light grows, dishes line up on front of him and soon he'd apportion the same amount out into each bowl. The same he does every morning, even when he knows full well which dented and battered shapes belong to who. Even when he knows that Nott will pick out the chestnuts and jerky and slide the rest into Caleb's plate; how Caleb will always make sure she gets his portion of meat.

Little rituals like that mean a lot to them. They could ask Fjord to do that but they don't. Fjord gets it, he's been isolated enough to know how much the act of sharing can mean. Caleb isn't good at saying he cares for people, not even Nott, but Fjord thinks in their own strange way this is a little act of love between the strange pair. 

No one in the group would ever let one of the others go hungry, they look out for each other, they share but what they have is different. Maybe one day Fjord will have it for himself, someone he can treat with a little extra of their favourite in the mornings and know they'll never so much as tense at him going near their plate. They'd just smile and return the favour every now and then, just because they care, just because they want to see him smile or -

“Nope,” warned Fjord gently.

The little white blur that had been sneaking towards the pan just at the edge of his peripheral vision froze. Keeping otherwise perfectly still, watching Fjord from the corner of his eye, Cad's hand moved slowly towards the skillet.

“Ah, ah, ah,” he reached out to push the arm down. “That's burny. Hot hot.” 

Cad made a disagreeable noise.

“Soon lil' buddy, soon. Here, why don't you munch on some of that huh?”

Fjord picked up a sprig of chive from the bundle and held it out.

Cad beamed and gnawed at it a little before offering it up to Fjord with a hopeful expression. Fjord looked at the bent, chewed, spit-covered sprig of green.

“Ah, no. I'm fine. You eat it up.”

Cad's expression fell. The lower lip began to tremble.

“Oh god,” he lowered his head and pretended to nibble at it. “Mm, real good. Thank you Caddy.”

Cad smiled and chirped something Fjord didn't catch, then returned to munching on it. Fjord put a protective hand around his middle and pulled him in that little bit closer, just in case the attraction to the chive waned and the skillet started looking interesting again. 

He was prepared for an objection but Cad went without complaint and even leaned into it.

“Huh, wasn't meant to be the worlds weirdest hug but hey I guess it works huh?”

Cad made no attempt to reply, he just leaned back into Fjord and watched the rest of the group go about their morning routines.

Beau was the first to join them.

“Food,” she demanded, voice groggy. “Food. Feed me.”

“You,” Fjord pointed the wooden spoon at her. “Like the toddler before you can wait.”

“But I'm hungry now.”

“Would you like a piece of chive to chew on?”

Beau narrowed her eyes at him. If it hadn't been first thing, if Fjord hadn't been waiting for it there was no way he could have moved fast enough. As it was, Beau snatched out to pick a chestnut away from the edge and Fjord smacked the spoon down onto her knuckles with a crack.

“Ow!”

“No,” he over enunciated.

Cad burst into giggles.

“No,” Cad echoed with a smug grin on his face.

“Hey, you ganging up on me with this asshole?”

“Language,” commented Fjord.

“Bo no, no bo no, no beau bop!”

“No bop beau indeed,” nodded Fjord wisely.

Cad smirked around his chive, swinging his body side to side.

“I have seen you snatch arrows out of the air,” Nott settled down next to her.

“Not first thing in the morning,” argued Beau. “And I'm not usually distracted by food.”

“Nott Nott,” Cad pushed against Fjord's grip and he let him go, satisfied that it wasn't a break for the fire again.

“Good morning Caddy.” Nott smiled.

“Nott, no bo bop bop no!”

“I saw,” she grinned. “Bop!”

They both giggled.

“I don't get why you act like you know what he's saying,” said Beau. “Doesn't it just encourage him to y'know, speak all wrong?”

“Excuse you,” said Nott. “I know exactly what he's saying. Just because you can't read context clues. Silly Beau, can you say that Caddy? Can you say Silly Beau?”

“No don't teach him that.”

“Say silly Beau Caddy, silly Beau.”

“Willy bo.”

There was a moment of utter silence.

“Good boy,” cheered Nott.

“No,” said Beau. “No.”

“Good boy Caddy, say it again, say silly Beauregard.”

“Willy bo lala.”

“Who is such a clever boy, yes -”

“- I am going to kill -”

“Food!” Interrupted Fjord.

As distractions went it was pathetic, naturally it worked perfectly on the lot of them.


	5. Chapter 5

Fjord near enough collapsed down next to Caleb. 

Caleb startled and nearly dropped his book.

“I cannot deal with this.”

“Ah...”

“He is the most frustrating little – I love him, don't get me wrong, I love the little shit but I swear I am this close to just letting him eat fuck knows what and pet dangerous creatures and -”

“Dangerous?”

“I didn't tell you?”

“Possibly, I've been reading.”

“He tried making friends with a nasty looking giant bird that was big enough to look at him like a snack. Damn thing near took my arm off and now Cad hates me cause I killed the massive fucking predator that was about to eat the pair of us.”

“Ah.”

“I am fucking exhausted Caleb. I do not know how the fuck people deal with this. How are you so calm when he makes no damn sense? He keeps trying to god damn kill himself.”

“You are good at stopping him. If you cannot get there in time I certainly cannot. If he gets sick Jester will take care of him, if she can not then I certainly cannot. When things go unpredictably Nott often knows what to do and when she can not Beauregard can often find a solution.”

“What? Like with the 'hey can you stick your tongue out as good as I can' thing?”

“Yeah, that was a good example. I certainly would not have thought of it.”

“Eh, you'd've managed something. You're good with him.”

Caleb snorted.

“What's that about? You are.”

“Fjord I have no understanding of him. He spends time with me least of all of us. The most I do is hold him when he screams or sleeps.”

“Caleb, he spends less time with you because we keep distracting him so you can study those damn notes. Even then, he checks in with you, all the time.”

“He keeps an eye on everyone,” Caleb shook his head. “He likes to know we are all there, he likes his attention and his hugs. You know I had to bamf Frumpkin back to his home plane yesterday, he had enough of toddler hugs.”

“Damn well wish I could do that.”

“He cannot help but be a tad contradictory Fjord.”

“Yeah I know, I know and he is damn adorable. I just look at him and get this werird squelchy, sappy kinda feeling inside. Anything so much as looks at him and I'm close to going full Yasha on 'em, y'know?”

“Parental instincts. I think you'd be a good one y'know.”

“That what that is?”

“Sounds like it to me.”

“Huh. You really think I could, y'know, do that? Do it right I mean?”

“I do.”

“I don't exactly have much to model it all on.”

“There are worse things. You'll make mistakes, everyone does but just look at your interactions with Caduceus. You keep him safe, talk to him with kindness and patience. You care for him, you -”

“Cause him to throw tantrums. Man, he lights up when he sees Jester. He still calls me no.”

“Ja, because Jester is fun. She is his friend. She does not see to his needs or stop him from doing things maybe he should not. You know I do not have the experience myself but I am fairly certain that the later is closer to responsible parenthood than the former.”

“Huh. Y'know I never thought about it like that.”

“You'd be a good parent Fjord, I am certain of it. Not flawless but I think you'd get all the truly important stuff right.”

“Thank you Caleb. Means a lot.”

“Ja well, maybe you shouldn't. I'm not exactly someone to take family advise from am I?”

Fjord stood and brushed himself down.

“Don't see why not,” he clasped Caleb on the shoulder a little awkwardly as he passed. “You seem like a damn good brother from where I'm standing.”

Caleb glanced up with furrowed brow. 

Fjord just cleared his throat and nodded. “Anyway, that's um, me on first watch. Gotta go... watch. Stuff.”

Caleb blinked and focused on setting up the dome to avoid thinking about it.

Ritual done, Fjord sitting as far away as he reasonably could and looking in the opposite direction, Caleb sat himself down by Cad. Cad himself was sprawled out in a tangle of limbs with Nott and Frumpkin. Caleb chuckled and lay down beside them, watching them until he fell asleep.

When he came to it was dark but not pitch and he did not know what had woken him. After a moment his eyes adjusted to see a pair of cat's eyes – no too big for cat eyes – goblin eyes. Nott's eyes. With that settling him his attention spread to note the warm weight on top of him.

Nott smiled.

She'd felt Cad move to cuddle Caleb in the night. She'd missed the bit where he'd  
wriggled his way under Caleb's top and - from what she could tell - done his best to shove his nose in Caleb's armpit.

Caleb looked adorably confused, she watched him pick up the collar of his distended shirt and peer in at the gently snoring lump of toddler. The look on his face made her giggle.

Caleb's attention turned to her and offered a small smile, “Good morning.”

“Good morning Caleb,” she answered in a voice that tried to be as soft as his.

“Mmmh,” he groaned and stretched as carefully as he could. “It is time for our watch?”

Caleb shifted.

“Careful. You'll wake him if you move.”

At that he paused and looked to Caduceus. 

“Yeah, that is perhaps true,” Caleb accepted and made a concious effort to relaxed his muscles again. Those on his brow didn't respond so well “Perhaps if you helped? Somehow. I uh, I'm not quite sure how yet.”

“,Don't worry about it,” whispered Nott with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. “The two of you look too comfy to disturb.”

“It is time for our -”

“He's sound asleep, Caleb. Let him rest while he can, he's been through a lot of late.”

Caleb looked at the lump under his top again. His face went through a series of permutations that Nott didn't even bother trying to follow. It ended with a tilt of the head.

“Why is his face smooshed against my side?”

“Babies like skin contact,” Nott shrugged. “It's good for them, helps them bond with you, makes them feel safe. And lots of species like familiar scents.”

Caleb frowned a little further. Nott could take a guess at what was causing that look, even after all this time she was sure the words of their companions were still in circulation in his head. Stupid too smart head.

“Not everyone processes scents the way humans do,” she said, deliberately interrupting the whirlygig of thoughts in his head. “Humans are very fussy for a species with such poor senses.”

Caleb hummed.

“He likes your scent, so do I. Other species are just weirdos.”

Caleb seemed to not think that required a verbal response. Either that or he couldn't find what he thought was the right one.

“I'm not going to be much use on watch if we do not move him.”

“That's alright, I'll keep an eye out. You can keep me company.”

Caleb glanced up at the dome above them and accepted it. 

“He is oddly heavy for something so small. Strange given how skinny he seems when he is grown.” Caleb shook his head. “So much of him is so strange to me for now.”

“Most of his behaviour isn't that different,” offered Nott.

Caleb raised an eyebrow. “Ah, he uh, he usually tends not to sleep on top of me.”

Nott shrugged. “He always hugs something in his sleep. I think he misses having his family about, I think it would be one of us if he didn't have the inhibitions.”

Caleb lapsed into silence as he considered her words. 

It never failed to touch her, how much consideration he gave her words. As if something she might say could have as much worth as the words he poured over in his beloved books. 

It warmed her, stirred the little part of her that dreamt of a fire-lit room with the two men she'd found worlds apart yet cut from the same fabric as each other. It was a thought she tried to push gently to the back of her mind. Thoughts like that were dangerous, like the warmth that tempted the frozen and the drowning. It did nothing but lure you to the kind of complacency that kills.

Nott played delicately with the white tuft on the end of Cad's tail, it poked out from under Caleb's shirt along with half his tiny torso. The little Firbolg didn't so much as stir. Luc had never slept so soundly. A bird could call outside and he'd start awake, Yeza had sneezed two rooms away and woken him up once. A part of her wanted to share, but she couldn't. Not yet, not even with Caleb.

“Nottchen?”

“Yeah?”

“I am glad you are here,” he said and a large, warm, human hand touched her own without hesitance. “So, so glad. You... you are my strength. In so many ways.”

“You're a sweet boy,” she dismissed the idea as gently as she could.

“Sweet? No. Sweet is this little thing.”

Nott smiled, “I don't see that much difference.”

“Funny, I was thinking the same of the two of you.”

Nott snorted.

“I mean it. The wonderfully oversized animated ears, big bright mischievous eyes.”

Oh that was all far too close to a conversation she'd had before.

“Go back to sleep Caleb, you're clearly half way there already.”

Caleb closed his eyes. “He's like you and Frumpkin had a baby.”

Her voice was hoarse as she grabbed at the easy deflection presented. “I am a grown women, my love affairs are my own.”

Caleb clamped a hand over his mouth to stop the laugh escaping, though a chuckle still made it out. Cad shuffled and resettled himself but stayed sound asleep. Caleb looked back at her, she could tell from the look in his eyes that she wasn't hiding everything as well she wanted.

He didn't push, bless him.

“Come here Nottchen,” Caleb gestured with the arm that wasn't wrapped around Cad. “The bubble will keep us safe for now and I am sure Frumpkin will not begrudge me your warmth.”

“Oh I wouldn't worry about that, you're ridiculously oversized, all humans are. Plenty space for a goblin, a toddler and a fey cat.”

“Gut,” yawned Caleb. “Gut, gut.”

Nott let herself relax as she lounged in the warmth and the scent and the sound of Caleb's heart beat. Daydreaming about how with just a little bit of squishing up, there would be just enough room for two more perfectly sized little creatures.


	6. Chapter 6

Cad decided he wanted an apple.

Not that the idea had come to him naturally but they had passed a grove of apple trees and Cad's nose started twitching. It was quite a pretty place and when Jester demanded she wanted to draw it, Fjord accepted he'd been outvoted and they settled down to give the horses a rest.

Cad however did not have the kind of patience to wait. Cad wanted an apple.

Fjord however had failed to instantaneously provide him with apples and Cad has taken it upon himself to acquire them on his own. It wasn't that Fjord didn't approve of the mindset, he'd just rather not turn around and find a toddler half way up a tree. 

It was only shoulder height for Fjord but comparatively that was really fucking high.

“How are you even – Lawbearer's breeches, you've got claws.”

Cad's little butt wriggled.

Fjord rubbed at his brow then reached out to try and lift him down. There was considerably more resistance than he expected.

“Oh come on, gimmie a break.”

“Apapap.” 

“Hell. C'mon Caddy, before Caleb sees, or worse, Nott. She'll never let me live it down.”

“Nyah,” came the defiant shriek.

Fjord was really beginning to hate that sound. Cad hunkered in closer to the bark, little fingers digging deeper into the grooves.

“Look Caddy, Fjord will get you the damn crab apples. Okay? Just – just as soon as you stop giving him a god damn heart attack,” he said softly, trying to pry Cad's fingers out of the tree bark one by one.

“Ny ny nein nein.”

“Oh for the love of – ,” he glanced around looking for help. “Beau? Beau can you come over here for a moment?”

“What?”

“He's...” Fjord gestured.

“Up a tree? What the hell'd you put him there for.”

“I didn't – I – I can't get him down.”

Beau gave him a look. “The toddler has defeated you.”

“I -”

“Again.”

“He is really sneaky.”

“Moron,” said Beau, pushing past him to lean against the tree facing the toddler. “Hey Caddy.”

“Bo.” He chirped, then looked up through the branches of the trees to direct her attention there. “Apap.”

Beau looked up and smiled as if realizing. “Hey, look at that. Apples.” 

“Apap.”

“You want some apples?”

Cad's butt wriggled again, little tail perked up in interest.

“You want some apples? Will we get some apples?” She put put her hands around his little torso and tickled. “Apples? We gonna get apples?”

Beau tickled him, Cad shrieked with laughter and let go instinctively. The light little bundle of warmth dropped into her arms. Beau pulled him away and dropped him in Fjord's arms.

Fjord's jaw opened.

“The sun and the north wind, youngling,” she said gesturing serenely. “Attend the wisdom... of the dope monk shit.”

Beau gave a dramatic flourish with her staff and finished in some kind of monk pose. Fjord gave her a look that she just smirked at. It was nothing on the one she got from Cad as he realized the situation he was now in and his face slowly fell from one of joy and delight into a look of pure wounded betrayal.

“Aww don't give me that,” Beau took her staff and whacked the end of the tree branch, several thuds responded as a handful of apples fell. 

“Bo,” he cheered. “Bo, bo, bo!”

Cad thrust his arms into the air, narrowly avoiding clocking Fjord in the jaw.

“I thank you,” she bowed. “Thank you.”

Cad clapped enthusiastically, if somewhat poorly coordinated, then began squirming furiously.

“Yeah alright, alright, alright.” Fjord hurried to put him down before he dropped him.

“Well,” he sighed as Cad scrambled through the leaves and plonked himself down in the midst of the fallen fruits. “That's something.”

Beau coughed pointedly.

“Yes, you outwitted the toddler. Thank you Beauregard.”

Beau scowled, mouth open to retort when Cad interrupted.

“An oo Bo lala!”

Both adults blinked, startled by the appearance of a new word.

“Huh,” said Fjord.

“He knows how to appreciate a lady,” said Beau as she poked Fjord in the chest. “No apples for you.”

“Ow,” complained Fjord. “Those are weapons you know.”

Beau gave him the finger. 

“Yeah? Defend yourself from this.”

With that she sprawled out in the grass next to Cad and picked up an apple of her own. Cad grinned and chomped down through an apple, stalk and all. 

“Eh,” shrugged Beau and bit into her own. “You're not so bad you know.”

Cad kept on happily munching his little prize, big enough it needed held in two hands and steadily being devoured, core and all.

“Kinda wonder if you're what he'd be like? Y'know. Or if my parents have ruined the little shit already. I mean he's what they wanted y'know?”

Cad looked over at her, aware of the attention but made no move to engage.

“Ah, madulin shit. I know. Should get over it right?”

Cad's head tilted, eyes falling to her mostly uneaten apple.

“Yeah, maybe you're right,” she said and took another bite. Cad seemed satisfied and returned his attention to his own. “Eat apples, enjoy life.”

Cad ate his fill pretty quickly and Beau watched as he studiously picked up an apple, walked over to Fjord and handed it over before retuning and repeating the process all over. One at a time.

A few trips in Fjord picked up the produce sack and brought it over to the tree instead, Cad applauded that particular piece of genius and soon enough there was enough to do them for a while.

“Shame,” said Beau. “Bet the lanky version could do some pretty good cooking with these.”

Cad picked up the last apple. Fjord held out the sack but instead of putting it in as he'd happily done with the others, Cad pulled it back to his chest.

“No? You keeping that one?”

“Cay-cay,” he said softly, uncertainly.

“For Caleb?” Fjord made a point of smiling. “That's a great idea, c'mon let's go find him. I bet we can find him.”

Fjord scooped him up easily in one arm and took him back to the cart where Caleb, nose in his book, hadn't moved since before they stopped.

“Where can you find him? Can you see him Cad.”

“Cay-cay,” he pointed.

“Oh clever boy,” encouraged Fjord. “Well done.”

Cad rewarded him with a grin and rubbed his forehead against Fjord's jaw.

“Yeah I like you too little man,” he chuckled. “Hey, Caleb. Have a bundle full of hugs n' dirt.”

Fjord deposited him in Caleb's lap, right on top of the book.

Caleb yelped.

Cad giggled and displayed his prize by thrusting it under Caleb's nose almost knocking it into him.

“You know something that is real good to know that is not just me.”

“Wh – ah, what is going on?”

“And that one too,” Fjord grinned as he clapped Caleb on the back. As he walked back to the horses he heard a confused Caleb speak.

“Wh – where are we?”

“Cay-cay!”

“Why do you smell like apple juice? Why are you covered in dirt and tree leaves? What on earth is under your – scheisse are those claws?”

“Real,” Fjord drew out the word to himself. “Real good.”

**Author's Note:**

> Critters!
> 
> Comments are author food, have you fed yours today? :)


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